new york personal relationship

do i deserve better?

last night (0r was it this afternoon), my girlfriend and i were telling each other that we deserve better.  exact words were, we deserve to be adored!  the context of the conversation is me waiting for my bf to call me after blowing off our plans last night to be with family.  things are actually more complicated than that, but that’s how i felt at the moment.  i wrote him an e-mail after he left to say how sad i was we didn’t get to hang out.  he wrote back saying he was sorry.  i liked how the e-mail started.  then he went on for two three paragraphs explaining how he was doing the right thing by changing his mind and choosing not to spend time with me.  he was going home to break fast with his family.  he was fasting for good reasons.  can you blame him?  well, i can blame him.  sure i can.  he didn’t explain why he wanted to spend the evening with his family instead of spending the evening with me as we had planned.  and when he did, it was in defense of his action without acknowledging how his actions made me feel so sad.

i am starting to wonder two things:  why do i love this person so much when he upsets me so much and why don’t i just date my girlfriends instead when my girlfriends understand me so much better and actually call to check up on me while my boyfriend is MIA?

is love overrated?  i don’t always get treated the way i would like to by my boyfriend.  but all in all, i love this person who changes his mind and doesn’t think of me first.  i have a “girl-crush” (to borrow my friend’s words) on my girl friend with whom i was commiserating with last night and this afternoon while my boyfriend wouldn’t return my phone calls.  but against my better judgment, perhaps, i miss my boyfriend and want to spend time with him when we can, i.e. when he doesn’t change his mind about our plans.

he did call later in the afternoon today, about 24 hrs after he left me to go home to his parents leaving me stranded on 3rd avenue on upper east side.  i told him i wanted to talk to him when i was upset, even when he’s the person who upset me, and that it upsets me that he didn’t call to see how i was doing.  he didn’t call, he said because one of my e-mails really hurt his feelings and he felt i said things that were not warranted.  it seems it’s too much to ask for you to consider my feelings, i wrote.  i was expressing how hurt i felt that he didn’t seem to consider my feelings.  he heard me accuse him of not caring for my feelings at all.

do i deserve better?  if so, i deserve better from the person i love and want to be with.  who cares if a person would treat me with utmost respect if i don’t want to be with that person?  but why do i want to be with this person who doesn’t always treat me the way i know i deserve to be treated?  is it lack of self-respect?  do i not believe that anyone else would treat me better?  in the end, i love my boyfriend and want to be there for him and want him to be there for me.  love makes you do pretty crazy things, even stay with someone when they hurt you and make you cry in front of your girlfriends.  and yes, i do deserve better.  we all do.

5 replies on “do i deserve better?”

I realize this is an old post, but the advice remains the same. So here goes…I have come to realize that most guys are going to hurt our feelings at one time or another…because they think so differently from us. I think we need to change some of how we think about our situations. For example, we need to set expectations, and speak up when those expectations aren’t met. Also, we need to recognize the difference in the sexes and decide that we have to appreciate that some of what happens isn’t personal (easier said than done). Combining the two, expectations and acceptance, we will find a happier balance. As far as not considering your feelings, how we deal with it is a choice each of us has to make. Perhaps if you aren’t available to him as you normally would be, he may start to see that he needs to communicate more…or you’ll find something else to do with your time. Of course, make sure you’re communicating to him, too.

Just a note, from one person who wrote many letters and emails in her time, most of our communication comes not through the words we use, but in how we say them and our body language. I’ve given wrong impressions many times through life and I have finally learned that whatever I put to paper may be construed incorrectly. I can only hope that it’s being heard in the right way.

You might want to give the fingers a rest and sit across from him. Start by saying, “We need to talk.” That makes most people sit up and take notice that whatever comes next is important. Good luck!

Liked by 1 person

Seriously, no subliminal message intended…after I sent the comment I had second thoughts…it’s just a story that takes place in New York about a relationship. You live in New York. Alright, I guess me sending the story is proof that guys all over the world unintentionally say and do things that they should think twice about.


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