academic anxiety health PhD Life weight loss

drilling holes in your boat?

i saw this on instagram few days ago…

Self-sabotage is when you drill holes in your own ship because the trip is going so well that you feel uncomfortable because someone or something taught you that you don’t deserve smooth sailing. @JonAcuff

i copied and sent it to few friends. i thought it was a clear visual image of what people do when they are not sure how to handle success or being near to accomplishing their goals.

well, then it hit me. the image of drilling holes in one’s boat because things are going smoothly spoke to me so powerfully because I am doing this, right now!

how does one stop self-sabotaging? i mean, i am near finishing my dissertation. my dissertation committee members are waiting for my chapters. and then i couldn’t write any more. i am feeling stuck. i’m spinning wheels and not getting any where. the same story with my weight loss.

it is true that my running has been improving, and i just ran 5 miles this past week, which for me, a non-runner, is an amazing accomplishment. i still can’t believe it. i started and am still asking myself who am i? who have i become? because the person i am used to cannot run for that long to run 5 miles! so yes, running has been improving. but my weight loss goal was near also. but i keep roller coasting, yo-yo’ing, taking few steps back and few steps forward. i keep eating more and sabotaging a calorie deficit that i need in order to lose weight! so academically and personally, yes, i feel i am drilling holes in my boat because i can see the finish line ahead and i’m not sure i’m supposed to get there!

no quick solution to self-sabotage. awareness and then intentional action are both required. …to be continued…

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