Examine

This weekend, I felt stuck and overwhelmed. Even as I preached virtually by sending in a written out manuscript about being blessed, I couldn’t fix my eyes on being blessed. As I reflect and examine my feelings this weekend, I wish I had realized the root of my problem. I felt overwhelmed and consequently paralyzed to do anything, in other words felt stuck, because I had too much to do. Yes! I had too many things I was responsible for, things I would have to read to teach, to preach, and to grade. Hello? Am I really feeling overwhelmed? I had prayed through the summer for financial security, for jobs, any job! One day this summer, I was walking by a near by cafe and they had a sign looking for part and full time helpers. I talked to the owner and sent in my resumé. Part of me felt weird, or at least felt a bit of cognitive dissonance. I had just received my Ph.D., had adjunct a course at a University, and due to family circumstances, I was in Korea most of Spring of 2022. I think I applied for some jobs while I was in Korea. But I hadn’t heard anything back. I remember after I sent in my resumé talking to the owner of the cafe. The pay was $15 an hour. That’s the minimum wage in NYC. I didn’t realize what that really meant until I told my former roommate from seminary days and she said, Alice, my friend’s kids in high school make minimum wage… I was feeling desperate not to feel worried about paying the rent. I was willing and felt relieved when the cafe owner called and said they wanted me to start working in August. I never got to learn how to make fancy coffee drinks. I had couple interviews in July and one of the interviews resulted in a part time job, then I got offered to adjunct again to teach the course I taught the year before. Fall semester went by smoothly. And I was feeling ambitious and accepted adjunct teaching for 3 courses again in the Spring semester. The very reason for my feeling overwhelmed this weekend was because as I had prayed and hoped for, in the Fall semester I had not 1 but 3 courses I was teaching, and now in the Spring semester also 3 courses. One of the courses is a brand new course and I get to teach what I researched for my dissertation. So it occurred to me as I was swimming earlier today, if I can swim, I can tackle other things one by one. Then it occurred to me as I was reflecting further on dry land, that what I was feeling was a result of being blessed. Yes, B-L-E-S-S-E-D. I feel thankful. I feel honored to be able to teach. I am amazed I get to teach and to preached. This is what I had hoped to do, my sense of calling, my vocation. So, no, I do not feel paralyzed any more. I feel thankful, blessed.